Why is Congress wasting time and money investigating steroid use in pro sports?

I understand that steroids are illegal. And generally speaking, the government frowns on people doing illegal things. But why is our Congress wasting our taxpayer dollars investigating if Roger Clemens and other baseball stars used steroids or not?

It is quite obvious that the Federal Government would not bother holding special hearings to investigate if Joe Citizen was using steroids to get ahead in his after-work flag football games. Sure, he'd be prosecuted if a cop pulled him over and a five pound bag of steroid-filled syringes falls out of his glove compartment when he reached for his registration. But no one would be up in arms over Joe's added strength or muscle mass at the gym. People might think he takes steroids, but no one would start sending subpoenas to his friends to find out.

So why is Congress so concerned with steroid use in professional sports? The reason usually given is that these athletes are role models, and children look up to them. Hmmm.... So apparently they're worried that stupid children will start injecting each other with various hormones in an attempt to be... only 100 times worse a pitcher than Roger Clemens rather than 150 times worse? I think even stupid children know that just using steroids isn't going to make you a good pitcher by itself.

I hear my detractors already saying: "But kids will think that they won't be able to compete with the others and get scholarships if they don't take steroids, since the perception now is that everyone is doing it."

Obviously, those people never had their parents tell them "if Bobby jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" Of course my guess is that they would, but that's a different article entirely...

I'll admit that there probably are plenty of kids out there that would use steroids just because their favorite athletes do. And yes, I think that makes them pretty stupid. I really won't feel too sorry for them if they start having heart attacks at 20.

However, in a free society, I think people should have the right to make bad decisions regarding their bodies. If an 18 year old kid can smoke and get lung cancer, surely they should be able to use steroids.

"Oh, but that's cheating!" I hear you say. Is it? My definition of cheating is giving yourself an unfair advantage over your opponents. If you're opponents were also allowed to use steroids, and simply choose not to, you're not cheating. It would be no different than if you decided to workout three times a week, and your opponent doesn't work out at all. Having an advantage doesn't automatically mean you're cheating -- it's only cheating when both sides aren't playinig by the same rules.

Here's my prediction on what would happen if we legalized steroids:

• Most, if not all professional athletes would start using them in order to compete with those who do. As a result, our sports games would have higher scores and be more fun to watch. Of course we'd probably have more players dying and/or killing each other in angry rages, but they knew what could happen when they started using, so I don't feel too bad. Besides there's plenty of people who want to be pro athletes waiting to replace them.

• A small number of ordinary people would start taking steroids for various reasons. Some of them would probably die for various reasons, but they also knew the risks going in, so I don't feel too bad for them either.

• The rest of humanity would continue to lead normal, non-steroid enhanced lives.

• Pro sports would start to be seen as artificial, in the same way pro-wrestling is. As a result, player's salaries would drop and endorsements would lessen.

• Because pro sports wouldn't be as popular, the stupid kids will stop wanting to inject themselves with steroids like their favorite players, and they'd instead pick some other irresponsible activity to participate in.

• As the credibility of professional sports dwindles, new steroid-free leagues will emerge, and will quickly become the favored thing to watch. The industry will pride itself on being different than those silly pros who use steroids, and will police itself actively, not willing to have their good name tarnished by players who use steroids.

• Of course, people will still use steroids in these sports anyway, and many won't get caught. So nothing will really change, aside from the fact that the image of using steroids will go from being shunned and prosecuted to being...just shunned.

The point of my rather far-fetched predictions? Athletes will continue to use steroids regardless of what Congress does. We could execute Roger Clemens on live TV, and it wouldn't do much to stop it. So why not just legalize them, so they can be regulated like any other pharmaceutical product?

As for the kids looking up to athletes problem, that has an even simper solution. Maybe it's time parents start teaching their children to be responsible people who recognize bad behavior when they see it? Maybe they should teach their children to look up to people who are worthy of their praise? Is it really that unreasonable to expect a kid not to emulate the behavior of someone they've never even met?

The bottom line: I have no desire to use steroids, but I don't think it's the government's place to tell me that I can't. And while steroids are currently illegal, I think Congress has more important things to do than go after baseball players.